Fragrance Of Grace Christian Ministries
FRIENDS reaching the world in the name of Jesus
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
The grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
Pastors Jenni and Richard Sirgo
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As song leader for my church in New Hampshire, I was preparing for Sunday. I planned on playing my guitar, but my electronic tuner was missing. "Maybe I left it in the car," I thought.
Heading to the garage, I asked the Lord out loud to help me find my "tuner." Nothing was on the back seat of the car, but when I reached under the front seat out rolled a can of tuna.
My husband followed my laughter to the garage. "Honey," I said, "The Lord definitely heard my prayer—New England accent and all."
—Sandy Pastor, Pelham, New Hampshire. Christian Reader, "Lite Fare."
Q What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little
prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the
apostles were all in one Accord..
Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan...)
PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS 
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house
with that expensive double-pane energy efficient
kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor
who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been
completed a two years ago and I still hadn't
paid for them.
Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde
doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy
had told me last year, that in TWO YEARS these
windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been two years! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the
line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back. Guess I won that
stupid argument.
I bet he felt like an idiot.
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CREATION
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I 'll
give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's
> family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
> sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years ? Could you possibly give me my
> twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
> the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and
enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the
front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you...
NEVER HEARD CREATION EXPLAINED THIS WAY BEFORE !!!
This sent in by Evang. Ruth Amato:
Sent in by Ruth & Naomi...
How to tell when a Catholic brother or sister is speeding...
STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining
the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false
prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the
altar, put wood upon it, cut a steer in pieces, and
laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded
the people of God to fill four barrels of water and
pour it over the altar. He had them do this four
times "Now, asked the teacher, "Can anyone in the
class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour
water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving
her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the
gravy!"
LOT 'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's
wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt,
when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back
once, while she was driving," he announced
triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone
pole!"
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the
story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was
beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the
situation in vivid detail so her students would
catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you
saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and
bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little
girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw
up."
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think
Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
"No," replied David. "How could he, with just two
worms?"
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We
have been learning how powerful kings and queens
were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.
Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted
out, "Aces!"
MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he
had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our
teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy
lines on a rescue mi ssion to lead the Israelites
out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had
his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people
walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters
for reinforcements.
They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the
Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught
you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I
told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe
it!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young
class memorize one of the most quoted passages in
the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month
to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about
the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the
Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past
the first line. On the day that the kids were
scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the
congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his
turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said
proudly,
"The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to
know."
THE QUILT
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young
daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter
answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt"
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in
the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom
asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson
was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is
coming."
> I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
> when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She
> was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
> 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a
> seat belt!"
>
> 2) OPINIONS
> On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
> from his mother The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child
> are not necessarily those of his parents."
>
> 3) KETCHUP
> A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
> struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
> the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
> She's hitting the bottle."
>
> 4) MORE NUDITY
> A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
> locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks with
> ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
> in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen
> a little boy before?"
>
> 5) POLICE # 1
> While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
> interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
> Looking up
> and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
> "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
> "My mother said if I
> ever needed help I should ask a policeman. Is that
> right?" "Yes, thats right," I told her. "Well,
> then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "Would you please
> tie my shoe?"
>
> 6) POLICE # 2
> It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front
> of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9
> partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy
> staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back
> there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled,
> the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
> said, "What'd he do?"
>
> 7) ELDERLY
> While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
> shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
> rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of
> old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I
> found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I
> braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely
> turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
>
> 8) DRESS-UP
> A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she
> saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn'twear
> that suit."
> "And why not, darling?"
> "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
>
> 9) DEATH
> While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
> heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
> Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
> robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had
> secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole, and made
> ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen
> to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his
> version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto
> the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole
> he goooes!" (I want this line used at my funeral!)
>
> 10) SCHOOL
> A little girl had just finished her first week of
> school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her
> mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
>
> 11) BIBLE
> A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
> fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
> Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. (What he saw was an
> old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.) "Mama, look what
> I found," the boy called out.
> "What have you got there, dear?"
> With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think
> it's Adam's underwear!
town. One beautiful Sunday morning she walked to church not far from her
apartment. She was in awe of the beautiful church, as well as music from
the choir. She wasn't too impressed with the sermon. She thought it was
kind of boring, and as she looked around the church, she noticed that many
of the parishioners were nodding off.
When the reverend finished he encouraged his congregation to greet those
sitting close to him. Gladys turned toward the man sitting on her left. He,
She politely offered her hand and said, "I'm Gladys Dunn."
"You and me both!" the man replied.
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Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will
instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet
seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after
you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives
-- then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If
it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't
move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know
them. |
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
************ **************
On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business"
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in
"Invite us to your next blow out."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************< /I>
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
*************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Sh op:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming"
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company : </ FONT>
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However , if you don't, you will be."
Sent in from Evangelist Teresa Moracco-Mullins:
An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinny
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinny
From Evangelist Ruth Amato:
> REAL NEWSPAPER ADS
>
> FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER:
> 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
>
> FREE PUPPIES:
> 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
>
> FREE PUPPIES:
> Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
> Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
>
> FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG:
> Looks like a rat... been out awhile.
> Better be a reward.
>
> For Sale: COWS: NEVER BRED.
> Also 1 gay bull for sale.
>
> NORDIC TRACK
> $300 Hardly used. Call Chubby.
>
> JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
> Must sell washer and dryer $300.
>
> WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
> WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
> Call Stephanie.
>
> FOR SALE BY OWNER:
> Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
> $1,000 or best offer.
> No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened?
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT...make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
> DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!
>
> Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had
> to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key
> under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll
> mail you a cheque."
>
> "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.
> But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
> "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
>
> When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
> discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But,
> just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
> repairman go about his work.
>
> The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
> yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
> himself any longer and yelled,
> "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
>
> To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
>
>
> Men just don't listen
CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only 1
Hands are already in the air. 
Pentecostal : 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. 
Presbyterians: None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times. 
Roman Catholic: None
Candles only. 
Baptists: At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken. 
Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons : 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians:
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to share.
Nazarene : 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None
Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish:
What's a light bulb?
Pastor Jen! Shame on you! Click this link...
http://bufferthis.com/html/funny-video-married-wedding-kiss-2820.php?time_then=1172759045
Sent in from Mary Sue Metzger:
There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue Each church was overrun with pesky
squirrels .
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since
Instructions for life
from the back of the box
* On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
* On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
* Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating
* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body
* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery
* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness
* On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children
* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
* On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use
* On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts
* On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
* On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
Don't Tempt God
An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was not a God.
He said, "God if you are real, then I dare you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting" He got down to the last couple of minutes and a BIG 240 pound football player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said. The football player walked in the class room and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.
The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Wow, where did you come from and why did you do that?"
The football player replied, "God was busy, so He sent me!"
To remove worry wrinkles,
get your faith lifted.
Sent in from Evang. Ruth Amato...
http://www3.telus.net:80/public/a7a55952/thoughts.htm
Sent in from Tom and Naomi Beckel:
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. Shehad diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Sent in from Kenny Belcher...
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that
her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation
to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says.
"She got in the back-seat by mistake."
________________________________________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One
night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of
you as soon as I see who's at the door."
________________________________________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
____________________________________________________________________________
______________
OLD FRIENDS:
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now
don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just
can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman,
I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77.
Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing
it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again,
they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure
that
the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light
was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and
said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in
a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
-sent in by Rev. Naomi Beckel
> Last year I replaced all the windows in my house
> with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient
> kinds. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor
> who installed them. He was complaining that the
> windows had been installed a whole year ago and I
> had never paid for them yet.
> Hellloooo!?!
> Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
> automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly
> what his fast-talking sales guy had
> told me last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR
> these windows would pay for themselves!
> Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"!
>
> There was only silence at the other end of the line,
> so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back,
> probably too embarrassed about forgetting the
> guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a
> b londe anymore.
-sent in by Evangelist Teresa Moracco Mullins
>An atheist was walking through the woods.
>"What majestic trees"!
>"What powerful rivers"!
>"What beautiful animals"!
>He said to himself.
>As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the
>bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge
>towards
him.
>He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder &
saw
>that the bear was closing
>In on him.
>He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He
tripped &
>fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the
>bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw &
>raising
his
>right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my
>God!
>
>Time Stopped.
>The bear froze.
>The forest was silent.
>As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
>"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist
>and
even
>credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out
of
>this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
>The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical
>of
me
>to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You
could
>make the BEAR a Christian"?
>
>
>"Very Well," said the voice.
>The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear
dropped
>his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
>
>
>"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through
>Christ our Lord, Amen."
This in from Rev. Naomi Beckel...turn off sound at the bottom of the page, then click link.
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/singingman7777/Pastor.htm
Sent in by Sharon Spatt...
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it
seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated
knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote
"Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis
3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for
I was naked."
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!
"A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22)
Sent in by Evangelist Ruth Amato:
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist,
Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music
Hall
for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed
was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music."
>
Here are the lyrics she used:
>
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
>
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
>
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
>
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things..
>
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
>
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
>
(Ms.. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted
over four minutes and repeated encores.)
This from Pastor Tony...
Book Titles
America's Longest River
By: Misses Hippy
Artificial Clothing
By: Polly Ester
Breaking the Law
By: Kermit A. Krime
Broken Beds
By: Squeak E. Springs
The Color of Eggs
By: Summer Brown
Danger!
By: Luke Out
Don't Hurt Me!
By: I. Bruce Easley
Downpour!
By: Wayne Dwops
Errors and Accidents
By: Miss Takes and Miss Haps
The Fall of a Watermelon
By: S. Platt
Falling Trees
By: Tim Burr
French Overpopulation
By: Francis Crowded
History of Texas
By: Al E. Moe
Hours in the Bathroom
By: R. U. Dunnyett
House Construction
By: Bill Jerome Holme
How to Be Organized
By: Miss Place
How to Groom Your Yard
By: Ray Cleaves
I Didn't Do It!
By: Ivan Alibi
I Don't Get It
By: Anita Clew
I Love Crowds
By: Morris Merrier
I Need Insurance
By: Justin Case
I'll Do It Soon
By: Will B. Dunn
The Lion Attacked
By: Claudia Armoff
Mineralogy for Giants
By: Chris Tall
No Appreciation For Art
By: Drew Lousy
Old Furniture
By: Anne Teak
The Past to the Distant Future
By: I. C. All
Ripping Pants
By: Ben Dover
Rusty Bed Springs
By: I.P. Nightly
Snakes of the World
By: Anna Conda
Under the Bleachers
By: Seymore Butts
Where the Stars Are
By: Horace Cope
Why Don't Chickens Bark?
By: U. R. Stupid and I. M. Stupid
How to stay safe in the world today!
1. Avoid riding in automobiles
because they are responsible for
20% of all fatal accidents.
2. Do not stay home because
17% of all accidents occur in the home.
3. Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks
because 14% of all accidents
occur to pedestrians.
4. Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water
because 16% of all accidents involve
these forms of transportation.
5. Of the remaining 33%,
32% of all deaths occur in Hospitals.
So, ... above all else,
avoid hospitals.
BUT ,
... You will be pleased to learn that only 001%
of all deaths occur in worship services in church,
and these are usually related to previous physical disorders.
Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given point in time is at church!
...And....Bible study is safe too.
The percentage of deaths
during Bible study is even less.
So,...for SAFETY'S sake -
Attend church,
and read your Bible .
IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!
More funnies to share
|
Subject: Fifteen things to do when
Fifteen things to do at Wal-Mart while your > spouse/partner is taking their sweet time shopping. > > 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them> > in peoples carts when they aren't looking. > > 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go > off at 5-minute intervals. > > 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor > leading to the rest rooms. > > 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an > official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and see what happens. > > 5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of > M&M's on lay away. > > 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted > area. > > 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and > tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring > pillows from the bedding department. > > 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin > to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' > > 9. Look right into the se curity camera; use it as > a mirror, and pick your nose. > > 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, > ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. > > 11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly > humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. > > 12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different > size funnels. > > 13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse > through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" > > 14. When an announcement comes over the loud > speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices > again!!!!" > > ( And; last, but not least!) > 15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and > wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper > in here!"  WHITE LIE CHURCH CAKE
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this --
especially all the ladies who bake for church events.
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' bake sale, but she
forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake
and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She
said,
"Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center
of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom .. a roll of toilet paper. She
plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked
beautiful,
so she rushed it to the church.
Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money
and specific instructions to be at the bakesale the minute it opened,
and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived
at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold. Alice was
beside herself.
The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables
of bridge were to be played that afternoon.
After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake
in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush
into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she
could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said,
"What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a
prominent church member) say.
"Thank you, I baked it myself." TRUST THE LORD IN ALL THINGS AND HE
SHALL BRING IT TO PASS.
 |
:This is from Rev. Naomi Beckel:
The Coat Hanger
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small
daughter
was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the
pharmacy
to get some me
she had
locked her keys in the car. She
called home
and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She
said, "You
might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that
had been
left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had
locked
their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I
don't know
how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five
minutes a
beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a
man who was
wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she
was
desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She
said, "Yes, my
daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some me
I
locked my
keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use
this
hanger to
unlock my car?
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a
minute the
car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So
Much! You
are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of
prison
today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for
about an
hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out
loud, "Oh,
Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Isn't GOD GOOD!
Here's a good one for everyone to enjoy! Sent in by Evang. Ruth Amato
http://flashfunpages.com/couple.swf
|
WE saved the best for last! Sent in from Evangelist Teresa Mullins: > An inclusive society... |
